What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:42
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
Comes on , in middle age.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was seconnd youngest,
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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I have no regrets .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
I've never read the book. What did Dorian Grey do that was so immoral and sinful?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was in good health!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I will be 64.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I’m 17 and looking for a girl. What do I do?
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i do to all so called friends.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were not on the streets..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i lived it daily.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She wouldn,t have been !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was scared of men, in general
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is soul school!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Who then, do I blame.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)